I went to visit a client last week and made a quick pit stop for a piss before heading back to the office. I pushed the door open and glanced at one occupied stall, one open stall and walked directly to the wall of three unoccupied urinals.
I grabbed the urinal farthest away from the guy in the stall that sent me a reminder of his presence with a forced courtesy cough.
Apparently, I really had to pee to the point of enjoyment through the relief of relieving myself until I heard the creak of the door. Like most guys, I did a little prostate push to finish off the job.
In walks this guy who was maybe in his early twenties and looked fairly normal but being in mid-piss I didn’t want to make eye contact. Instead, I used my peripheral vision to make sure he knew the unspoken rules of the men’s room. He didn’t. He not only moved to the middle urinal which was next to me but he made the mistake of attempting to strike up a “how’s the weather” conversation.
In one quick motion and with practiced precision, I zipped up my fly and turned on my heels to the sink behind me. You know, thinking that he would stop talking to me after I forced out a mumble agreeing with how cold it was this morning and how it might get warmer later. All I knew is that it was getting too damn hot and uncomfortable in that cramped space. Halfway during my cajoling about the mood of the barometer, the occupant of stall number one let out another gurgle which signaled my expected exit. I’m not sure if my friendly urinal mate picked up on that cue—I was too busy getting the hell out of there.
This annoying experience made me think that I need to talk about today’s urinal rules for guys. Some of these rules should be obvious and some are new rules based on technology.
Rule 1. If another urinal is available, make sure it’s not next to an occupied one.
Rule 2. No striking up a conversation with a stranger at the urinal even you’re separated by an unoccupied one. Think of it as the elevator and step back and stay quiet until you know it’s ok.
Rule 3. No texting or talking on your phone while taking a pee. It’s not o.k.
Rule 4. Don’t spend 30 seconds “shaking the dew off the lily.” Any length of time longer than 5 seconds turns into another favorite activity you do alone.
Rule 5. The urinal is not a trash can. I don’t want to see you hock up a loogie, spit out your gum or even chewing tobacco. And even if I don’t see you do it, I don’t want to look down to see it sitting on top of a urinal cake.
Rule 6. WASH YOUR HANDS. I’ve been known to call out restaurant employees that try to bolt out the door without hitting the sink first. I don’t think I have to explain this one. WASH YOUR HANDS.
Did I miss any?