11 Mistakes Every Guy Makes in the Bedroom

11 Mistakes Every Guy Makes in the Bedroom

Want to keep her happy between the sheets? We surveyed 100 drunk women during an extended happy hour and “went there.”  From sexual positions to mistakes to avoid in the bedroom, we’ve got the 411 on how to satisfy a woman.

  1. Don’t be a blow hard.     Avoid blowing so hard in her ear that you end up simulating hurricane-force winds. DO, keep it to a whisper.

2. Boobs are NOT chew toys.     Soft biting—YES…gnawing….NO! Follow her lead and nibble soft until you get more direction. 

3. No breaks.     You wouldn’t interrupt your workout our weight reps—the same applies to sex. Making love leaves no room for breaks. HOWEVER, like any other workout, consult your physician before pushing yourself too hard or beginning a new exercise program.

4. Scratchy face.     Facial hair is the latest manscaping trend and can be a big turn-on but make sure it’s properly groomed. Too much scratching in the nether regions can lead to chafing which will only hurt your partner and your sex life. Go clean shaven or opt for a beard cream or oil.  Here is a full summer guide to beards

5. Don’t squeeze the Charmin or ahem, breasts.    You don’t want to act like a teenager ogling his first set of boobs, so step up and take your time.

6. Don’t get tangled up.     Very few man can unhook a bra in just one flick of the wrist. Instead, encourage her to take it off slowly and go from there. Nothing brought on the biggest moments of laughter than shared stories of guys fumbling with bras, skirts, panties and lingerie.

7. Socks OFF.     It’s hard to remember when you’re in the moment to remove your socks, but make a mental note to slip those off first before removing your pants. Why? Because it looks ridiculous.

8. Heads UP.     Apparently, this was a big point of contention when surveyed. Guys, don’t push a girl’s head down. Nearly every women when asked absolutely HATED this move. It doesn’t work.

9. Slapping.     This applies to stomach slapping and slapping her bottom without notice.

10. Let foreplay play out.    It’s tempting to get down to business time, but if your foreplay game is going well, go with it. Rushing is a big turn-off.

11. Thanking her or uttering, I love you.    Fist off, unless she is a “working girl” practicing the world’s oldest profession avoid thanking her. If you did it right, it’s a mutual thank you. Second, nothing is creeper than a guy feeling like he has to say, I love you. If it’s genuine it’s creepy if it’s not, it’s insulting.

Netflix and Chill: 8 Movies to Get her in the Mood for Sex

Netflix and Chill: 8 Movies to Get her in the Mood for Sex

It’s a Netflix and chill kind of night and you’re doing searches for Scarface but you also want to get her in the mood for a little love. You know, a happy medium nestled between Casino and Titanic. Don’t worry, once you get a hold of this list you won’t want to let go. Well, only because it will get her in the mood not because you will enjoy any of them.

Pretty Woman:   This modern-day Cinderella story stars Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Technically, it’s not really modern day. In fact, it was released in 1990 when car phones with cords were still being used by the rich. Still, it’s fun for your girl to watch Julia Roberts play a hooker who wants it all and manages to hook up with a really rich guy. Spoiler alert: she gets the guy.

Thomas Crown Affair:   You will want to make sure that you watch the Rene Russo and Pierce Brosnan version. For starters, Rene Russo has a scene with a very long and gratuitous shot of her rack and you can’t help but want to be Pierce Brosnan when you grow up. The two are caught in a cat and mouse game after Brosnan steals a priceless painting while Russo tries catching him in the act. There’s a pretty cool sex scene as well. Although, I wouldn’t recommend going at it on marble stairs. Just sayin’.

The Notebook:    This predictable storyline is about two lovers with a passion so strong that not even dementia and a nursing home could keep them apart. With flashbacks to a time when they were younger, you get a glimpse into their fiery relationship. Plus, there is a nice scene where Rachel McAdams is soaked from the rain. Although, Ryan Gosling’s ab game is a little intimidating.

Dirty Dancing:   Again, two lovers find themselves drawn together in spite of the guy being from the wrong side of the tracks (and he can really dance) and a good girl has gone bad from a rich family. While this unrealistic narrative continues to play out, it still will lead to good sex. This new classic stars Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Gray (pre-nose job).

Unfaithful:   Another Richard Gere film but this time, he’s a good guy that puts his family first. Apparently, his wife has become bored with the housewife routine. After a trip into the city, she collides with a sexy, young lover and the film continues with some steamy sex scenes. Diane Lane has a kickin’ bod and while there are cringe-worthy scenes of Lane lying her ass off about cheating, you can’t help but see how this plays out.

Pride and Prejudice:   The 2005 version of Kiera Knightly and Matthew Macfayden is guaranteed to put her in the mood and put you to sleep. Drink a spiked coffee to stay awake until she gets her fill of Jane Austen’s classic tale of a stubborn girl that refuses to settle for an arranged marriage and a man with a big ass inheritance that shares her stubbornness.

Jerry Maguire:   Ah yes, this new classic starring Tom Cruise and Rene Zellweger finds a man at a crossroads in the life. On one hand, he’s banging Priscilla Presley and is making a shit ton of cash as a sports agent. Then, one fateful night he grows a conscience and Zellweger is ready to pounce after he basically turns into a loser. It takes awhile for Cruise to realize his value in spite of Zellweger’s attempts to bolster him up. Honestly, I have no idea why women enjoy this movie. Again, don’t try to understand, just go for it.

Titanic:   Remember that spiked coffee you will need to get through Pride and Prejudice? Well, you’re gonna wanna make it a double espresso and a Venti. This long film needs no introduction. You know the cheesy lines, you know the ship is going to sink and you know Rose will never let go of Jack. Stars Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio and the late Bill Paxton as a snarky modern-day treasure hunter.

Sex at Work Still Happening Says Survey

Sex Still Happening at Work Says Survey

Forget catching your co-workers wasting time on social media or shopping on Amazon. Turns out, they are getting it on, according to a survey released by Yellow Octopus

The Australian-based retailer asked 1,000 of its employees what secretive shenanigans they are up to while clocked in at work. In fact, one in eleven workers squeezes in a quickie in the copy room from time to time. Still, most of the sex happening at work involves a party-of-one.

Here are the survey’s takeaways:

No shocker here but the percentage of men (13%) outnumber the percentage of women (5%) that masturbate at work.

Of those surveyed, 40% have pleasured themselves at the office more than 6 times followed by 38% that have done it 2-3 times and 22% admitted to doing it just once.

11% of men have watched porn at work with just 3% of women owning up to it.

10% have had sex with a partner while on-the-clock.

Survey respondents were smart enough to avoid getting caught while doing the deed at work with 72% having sex at work after traditional working hours. Still, 36% threw caution to the wind and went for it followed by 17% who were early risers in more ways than one.

While having sex at work may seem like grounds for termination, those surveyed had a little bit of a different idea for the most unforgivable sins at work. For instance, 82% think getting drunk or doing drugs while on the job is the worst. Apparently, we are our own worst critics because 79% felt that masturbation or watching porn (76%) while at work was the second worst offense. Huh?

Take heart, because falling asleep and stealing another co-worker’s food is still worse than using social media or getting caught doing the deed. 

Father’s Day Fun: 25 of the Worst Jokes Ever Told by Dads

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It’s time to get revenge on your dad this Father’s Day with a collection of the worst dad jokes you have heard at least a thousand times. Get it, get it? Yeah, good one, Dad. 

  1. What do you call a fish with no ‘i’? A, fssh

2. How did she/he look? With her eyes, silly!

3, See that cemetery? People are just dying to get in there.

4. How many peaches grow on trees? All of them!

5. Hey Dad, did you get a haircut? No son, I got ALL of them cut.

6. I’m not a fan of sushi, it’s too fishy.

7. Know what they call fake pasta? An Impasta.

8. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs? Matt.

9. What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.

10. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on top of a mountain? Cliff

11. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob

12. What’s brown and sticky? A stick!

13. A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says, “hey, we’ve got a drink named after you.” Really, says the grasshopper, “you’ve got a drink named, Murray?” FYI, a grasshopper was a cocktail made popular in the 1980s and it’s gross.

14. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, “we don’t serve food here.”

15. How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.

16. Did you hear about the guy with a belt and watch in one? It was a waste of time.

17. How does the ocean say hello to the shore? It waves.

18. Where do you buy broth? The stock market.

19. What’s the most selfish kind of seafood? Shellfish!

20. Without geometry, your life is just pointless.

21. How much do dead batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.

22. What did the one hat say to the other? I’ll go ahead.

23. Why was the homeless man selling yeast? Because he needed to raise some dough.

24. Why do skeletons have to do trick-or-treating alone? Because they have no “body” to go with.

25. What did the daddy spider say to the baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

My Month on Rogaine: Embrace Baldness or Search for the Cure

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by John Carrino

It happened around five years ago on a couples’ weekend getaway with my second serious girlfriend. Sara and I had been together for about six months and she was the first girl that I dated that didn’t make me feel like I had to change everything about me.

Sara was a straight shooter and a planner but managed to find the right balance between being fun and not being too controlling. FYI: most guys (myself included) don’t want to be bossed around to the point of humiliation. It’s a fine line that I wish most girls understood but that’s another subject for another blog.

One of Sara’s grad school friends came from money and her family’s home was in East Hampton and situated in the tall, stoic hedges and a couple of turns from the Spielberg’s sprawling estate. Yes, that same Spielberg that gave us Jaws and a lovable alien. This weekend couldn’t have come at a more insecure time in my life—or so I thought.

For starters, I didn’t come from money and we had a decent home with at least two generations under the same roof. Unlike my girlfriend’s family and friends, I was the first one in my family to graduate from college. In her family, education was not encouraged, it was expected. However, the one advantage that I always had was—great hair. In fact, I was born with a full, thick head of hair could rock a buzz cut or a mohawk if I was feeling rebellious.

The weekend went off without a hitch until I scanned our poolside photos on Instagram. Shining in the background was a gorgeous sunset and the top of my head. This lead to digging through several photos and scouring each snapshot for the last 12 months. There it was—where thick tufts of hair used to be was a thin layer of fluff.

I never imagined that if I was going to go bald it would be on the back of my head. I was only twenty-five-years-old and was better prepared for going gray. Panicked, I persuaded my girlfriend to buy a can of Rogaine at the local drug store. It was easy to apply and went on like a mousse. I even used it help style my hair. One week later and I was already noticing two things: 1. I was actually growing hair again. 2. I had a wicked rash where I applied the serum the resembled hamburger meat. Still, I continued using it to see if the rash would go away.

The second week I noticed even more hair growth and my rash started to subside. I found my confidence level going up by the day. By week three I wondered why I had waited so long. By week four my girlfriend began to notice that I couldn’t care less about having sex anymore. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get it up but that I didn’t bother. Which was ridiculous because my girlfriend was hot and she could have cared less about my unplanned and early male-pattern baldness.

Five years and three serious girlfriends later I decided that I would rather have an erection than hair and have since gone badass bald. It’s been a liberating experience and I’m not adverse to trying anything new provided that I can still perform. 

What is your experience with balding? Do you embrace or never stop searching for the cure?

7 Sexy Things Women Do that are a Turn-On For Guys

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Believe it or not, the “duck face” lips are not as sexy to guys as they are to the girls making them. In fact, it’s the moments on this list where women are not even aware they are being sexy—they are just being women.

So, without further ado, I give you the 7 sexiest things women do that are a turn-on for guys.

  1. Putting on lipstick or lip balm using your rear-view mirror.   There is something about a woman applying lipstick. Doesn’t matter the color, gloss or if it’s just plain ol’ Chapstick.

2. Watching a women while she’s running or jogging.   I don’t care if it’s a treadmill or a sidewalk. A women that runs with her shoulders back, and muscular legs in motion is a sight to behold. It wreaks of confidence and natural stamina and physique.

3. Whenever a women is stretching.   This could apply to simple stretches before exercising or just arching their backs mid yawn.

4. Intelligence.   Yes, a smart woman that doesn’t have to show off her intellect but points out something very profound holds quite a bit of respect IMHO. Forget being a bimbo, sexy is all about an educated and intelligent woman.

5. Necklaces that define the nape of a woman’s neck.   The well-defined nape of a woman’s neck is an instant turn on and the right jewelry that brings that out is irresistible.

6. Tall women.   Any woman that is over say, 5 feet 8 inches tall whether it’s because of high heels or a god-given stature. 

7. An “innie” navel.   A slightly exposed navel or belly button is super sexy. Or even just a little of exposed skin whether deliberate or not. In fact, the less deliberate it is, the better.

Guys, what about you…what’s your biggest and less-obvious turn on in a woman?

Three Lessons for Surviving a Boob Job

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by Sara Hackney 

Just over a week ago, I took the plunge and had a breast augmentation, breast lift and a abdominoplasty. So yeah, I had a boob job and a tummy tuck. Six hours of surgery, five Valium and two Dilaudid later, I was transformed into a 41-year-old querulous woman—my veins flowing with prescribed opioids and misdirected anger. However, I did have better breasts and a flat tummy. For the record, this decision was ten years in the (decision) making.

I am not blessed with a plethora of gifts, but I do have a high threshold for pain so this period of tyranny was short-lived but was aptly described as the gateway to Dante’s seventh circle by my husband of fifteen years.

The first four days of recovery were no picnic to say the least, but I’m a fast healer and have turned the corner of pain and recovery quite quickly. Still, everyone’s pain threshold is different and there is no amount of subdued sentiments that can be curbed with pills or copious amounts of cajoling.

Based on my experience, I offer these tips to living and surviving with a woman post breast augmentation aka boob job.

  1. Be patient and know this window of recovery is temporary. Everyone’s pain tolerance is different but we all have this in common: we have just journeyed through hours of anesthesia, surgery and anxiety. Since most plastic surgery is outpatient, loved ones have also been sitting around waiting during surgery times and taking on the role of ambulance driver required to transport the groggy patient home. On some level, I feel this period of time is worse for those not under the knife. However, it’s important to remember that patients are also on drugs and feelings are subdued or most likely exacerbated and not accurately portrayed. Go ahead and laugh at the patient…just keep it out of ear shot.

2. There is no sex in the champagne room, or any room post boob jobs. Well, at least until your doctor deems so. This was a rule that my surgeon only had to express once but it really needs to be expressed even more so based on the excitement of pre-op appointments and witnessed post-op. Let’s dig into the pre-op experience. Trying on your new breasts pre-op is basically the process of slipping in what feels and looks like chicken breast cutlets into an underwire bra. It’s basically the first glimpse into your new body and look and can lead to the kind of excitement associated with buying the next best thing or technology. The “trying-on process” is so much fun that this is the very reason that surgeons caution patients and partners to astain from sex until “the girls” have healed properly. 

3. Time for celebration.  Believe it or not, setting a time for celebration is key to surviving any surgery but it’s different for most selective surgeries or in many cases, plastic surgeries. Yes, most plastic surgeries are deemed as vain or unnecessary, but for those that have investigated or taken the plunge it’s an emotional issue that requires physical and emotional healing as well. Set a date to look forward to and adjust for healing times. No matter the time due which usually hedges around 6 weeks, make a date and see that on the horizon.

Today, I am just three weeks from my big unveiling with zero regrets. Expect some shade from women that don’t approve and remember that their disapproval has nothing to do with you or your partner or spouse’s decision but their own reflection of themselves. Set your own date and celebrate your recovery and a new chapter in your life. After all, this is why board certified plastic physicians worthy of their trade have put the same amount of time, energy and emotion into their trade. 

Stay strong and ride out the mammary storm.