Judge Orders Guy to Write 140 Nice Letters to Ex-Girlfriend

Judge Orders Guy to Write 140 Nice Letters to Ex-Girlfriend

Don’t piss off female judges in Hawaii. Well, don’t piss off a judge in any state. Sometime last week, some guy allegedly went off his nut and decided it was a good idea to text his ex-girlfriend 144 times in just three hours—give or take.

It was a psycho move that can’t be explained away by a night out with the boys that ended with too many shots and 144 bad decisions. Turns out, this guy’s ex-girlfriend had a protection order against him from back in February. I’m gonna guess over some nasty text messages as well. Maybe some threats here and there. 

When your texting game averages 48 texts in one hour and lasts for three hours, this isn’t your first time. So, in addition to $2,400 in fines, 157 days behind bars, and 200 hours of community service (let’s hope he can’t take his phone along) Judge Rhonda Loo threw another assignment at him—writing nice letters about his ex on actual paper. 

“For every nasty thing you said about her, you’re going to say a nice thing, said Judge Loo according to an AP release. Judge Loo also ordered the 30-year-old man to refrain from repeating any word in those letters. Dannng!

Judge Loo felt it necessary to point out that it’s childish for a grown man to be so thumb happy. Hmmm, that sounds familiar.

Most guys are no stranger to cringe-worthy moments such as a string of voicemails or text messages after our girls were cheating but this is a new level altogether.

Have you ever over-texted an ex or stalked your girl on Instagram? 

6 Urinal Etiquette Rules for Guys

6 Urinal Etiquette Rules for Guys

I went to visit a client last week and made a quick pit stop for a piss before heading back to the office. I pushed the door open and glanced at one occupied stall, one open stall and walked directly to the wall of three unoccupied urinals.

I grabbed the urinal farthest away from the guy in the stall that sent me a reminder of his presence with a forced courtesy cough.

Apparently, I really had to pee to the point of enjoyment through the relief of relieving myself until I heard the creak of the door. Like most guys, I did a little prostate push to finish off the job.

In walks this guy who was maybe in his early twenties and looked fairly normal but being in mid-piss I didn’t want to make eye contact. Instead, I used my peripheral vision to make sure he knew the unspoken rules of the men’s room. He didn’t. He not only moved to the middle urinal which was next to me but he made the mistake of attempting to strike up a “how’s the weather” conversation.

In one quick motion and with practiced precision, I zipped up my fly and turned on my heels to the sink behind me. You know, thinking that he would stop talking to me after I forced out a mumble agreeing with how cold it was this morning and how it might get warmer later. All I knew is that it was getting too damn hot and uncomfortable in that cramped space. Halfway during my cajoling about the mood of the barometer, the occupant of stall number one let out another gurgle which signaled my expected exit. I’m not sure if my friendly urinal mate picked up on that cue—I was too busy getting the hell out of there.

This annoying experience made me think that I need to talk about today’s urinal rules for guys. Some of these rules should be obvious and some are new rules based on technology.

Rule 1.  If another urinal is available, make sure it’s not next to an occupied one.

Rule 2.  No striking up a conversation with a stranger at the urinal even you’re separated by an unoccupied one. Think of it as the elevator and step back and stay quiet until you know it’s ok. 

Rule 3.  No texting or talking on your phone while taking a pee. It’s not o.k.

Rule 4.  Don’t spend 30 seconds “shaking the dew off the lily.” Any length of time longer than 5 seconds turns into another favorite activity you do alone. 

Rule 5. The urinal is not a trash can.  I don’t want to see you hock up a loogie, spit out your gum or even chewing tobacco. And even if I don’t see you do it, I don’t want to look down to see it sitting on top of a urinal cake.

Rule 6.  WASH YOUR HANDS. I’ve been known to call out restaurant employees that try to bolt out the door without hitting the sink first. I don’t think I have to explain this one. WASH YOUR HANDS.

Did I miss any?

Halloween Candy Sucks for Kids Trick-or-Treating in Some States Says Ibotta

Halloween Candy Sucks for Some Kids Trick-or-Treating in Some States Says Ibotta

 

by Guest blogger: Angela Cavallari Walker

If you are lucky enough to live in Oregon, Washington, New Jersey, Utah or California Halloween will be sweet this year, according to data from the shopping app, Ibotta.

If you happen to live in Georgia, or Alabama you stand to get screwed royally when it comes to your annual candy haul. Gird your loins—Charlie Brown you are getting half the rocks. Worse than that…freaking Michigan was also on the stingy candy list. I mean, hasn’t that state suffered enough with shitty water?

The findings were based on looking at candy sales from the prior Halloween candy purchases back in the good ol’ days of 2015 and 2016.

For several generations, Halloween has become a rite-of-passage and the amount and what kind of candy you scored is treated as universal currency among kids. Ibotta’s latest findings just go to show that not much has changed even today.

At the end of the night, plastic buckets, pillowcases, and sponsored bags hanging on by one broken plastic handle were dumped into a large pile.

Back in the day, I couldn’t give away a pack of Beechum’s gum, dark licorice or that awful orange and black-wrapped taffy candies that were made of petroleum and children’s tears. I went to work sorting anything with a silver wrapper the fastest since chocolate was considered the gold standard of candy currency.

This ritual continues to play out even today in the less traditional count rooms of carpeted floors and tabletops. The same candy is still un-tradeable, chocolate still reigns as the most valuable confection and getting a toothbrush is the equivalent of getting a rock. 

 

Mobile App Ibotta Serves Up Free Beer for Dads on Father’s Day

Mobile App Serves Up Free Beer for Dads on Father’s Day

You know what tastes better than an ice cold beer? A FREE ice cold beer. This Father’s Day the mobile shopping app, Ibotta wants to treat all the dads out there to a brewski.

The promotion aptly named “Hops for Pops” is available nationwide this Sunday, June 18. To redeem the offer simply download the Ibotta App (don’t worry, it’s free just like the beer) and can be used in any restaurant for any brew up to a value of $5.

While the offer only lasts for 24 hours on Father’s Day you can still score some cash back anytime on the beer you buy at the grocery store or even when you are watching the big game at Buffalo Wild Wings.

“Being a father is often a thankless job. That’s why we wanted to celebrate dads by toasting them with their beer of choice this Father’s Day,” said Bryan Leach, founder and CEO of Ibotta. “To all the hardworking dads out there, we say thank you. Enjoy a cold one on us.”

Cheers and Happy Father’s Day!

 

About Ibotta

Ibotta is transforming the shopping experience by making it easy for consumers to earn cash back on everyday purchases through a single smartphone app. The company partners with leading brands and retailers to offer rebates on groceries, electronics, clothing, restaurant dining, beer, wine, spirits and more. As the premier destination for rewarded shopping on mobile, Ibotta has paid out more than $210 million in cash back to its users, and is the third most popular shopping app in the United States.

Father’s Day Fun: 25 of the Worst Jokes Ever Told by Dads

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It’s time to get revenge on your dad this Father’s Day with a collection of the worst dad jokes you have heard at least a thousand times. Get it, get it? Yeah, good one, Dad. 

  1. What do you call a fish with no ‘i’? A, fssh

2. How did she/he look? With her eyes, silly!

3, See that cemetery? People are just dying to get in there.

4. How many peaches grow on trees? All of them!

5. Hey Dad, did you get a haircut? No son, I got ALL of them cut.

6. I’m not a fan of sushi, it’s too fishy.

7. Know what they call fake pasta? An Impasta.

8. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs? Matt.

9. What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.

10. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on top of a mountain? Cliff

11. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob

12. What’s brown and sticky? A stick!

13. A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says, “hey, we’ve got a drink named after you.” Really, says the grasshopper, “you’ve got a drink named, Murray?” FYI, a grasshopper was a cocktail made popular in the 1980s and it’s gross.

14. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, “we don’t serve food here.”

15. How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.

16. Did you hear about the guy with a belt and watch in one? It was a waste of time.

17. How does the ocean say hello to the shore? It waves.

18. Where do you buy broth? The stock market.

19. What’s the most selfish kind of seafood? Shellfish!

20. Without geometry, your life is just pointless.

21. How much do dead batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.

22. What did the one hat say to the other? I’ll go ahead.

23. Why was the homeless man selling yeast? Because he needed to raise some dough.

24. Why do skeletons have to do trick-or-treating alone? Because they have no “body” to go with.

25. What did the daddy spider say to the baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.