Millennials Not Having Sex Because of Microwaves

If you are millennial and not having as much sex as Gen Xers, there’s apparently a reason for that. Several, yes…several studies are floating around that point to a plethora of factors. As a Gen X’er, I have a hard time (no pun intended) understanding how the hell this happened. 

One new study from a millennial researcher named, Jean Twenge blames this lack of sexual drive on having copter parents (see helicopter parents) hovering around millennials their whole lives. Other factors include longer life spans and technology, according to new data from Macquarie Research. 

And it’s not just sex, it’s drugs, drinking and maybe even rock’ n’ roll. Condom sales have plummeted but not because this generation is throwing caution to the wind. No, it’s because they couldn’t be bothered to put down their smartphones and put the moves on a girl. Not helping matters is that most millennials are not only living longer but living with their parents longer. Nothing kills the mood like bringing home a girl from a club with a shared wall between the very people that created you in the same manner. 

Another study released last year claims that it’s the fault of video games. However, I remember a time when I would play Atari till I had blisters on my hand and permanent impressions on my thumbs. And I’m pretty sure I developed the early signs of carpal tunnel syndrome as the direct result of playing Nintendo not when I entered the workforce and needed to ask someone for a freaking perch for my wrist. 

Truth is, maybe we are ALL just evolving into a more instant gratification society. I remember getting pissed off and yelling at the microwave when it took longer than 3 minutes to burn up the processed cheese inside my pepperoni Hot Pockets. Before the microwave, the commitment was a minimum of at least 10 minutes on the stove or in the oven.  

Now apply this idea to dating or trying to get a girl to notice you without a text. It was a shitload of work. Imagine walking up to a girl in the late 80s or early 90s and handing her a Poloraid of yourself with stickers all over it. She would have either done the following: a. act creeped out and start backing away from her locker. b. laugh like hell and show the picture to her friends while they all burst out into snorted giggling. c. ignored it and set it on the shelf of her locker with a shrug. 

Getting a date was never an option. Today? You can snap a photo of yourself on your phone and put cartooned rabbit ears and a nose on it and you just might get laid. You know, cause’ it’s really cute. 

In all honesty, we don’t have the answers as to why this happening. For now, I’ll just keep blaming the microwave. 

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