After my seventy-seventh bout with adult acne (can’t believe I still get this shit) I decided to try on some facial hair. This presented some interesting challenges. First off, I’m past the millennial demographic and could end up looking like a douchebag instead of a hipster. Second, it’s summer so it’s hot as hell outside and beard sweat is not something else I feel like fighting. And ‘C’, I can’t even grow a healthy pornstache never mind a beard.
Here is what I learned about growing the right facial hair.
Step 1. Depending on your how hairy you are, go ahead and hang up the razor. You’ll save some money on blades and you will have a good base for your next step.
Step 2. Apparently, you need to know the shape of your face to determine what type of beard to grow. Thankfully, there are a ton of different styles of beards. Ones that look like Van Gogh, Freud, and modern-day magicians like David Blaine.
Step 3. Consult your local barber or hair stylist to help you pick the right one to frame your face. I shit you not, there are at least 15 different types of beard styles for 2017 alone. Basically, they still look like Freud and Van Gogh but have been assigned different names. For instance, there is the Balbo recently made popular by Robert Downey Jr. that works best for men with a narrow chin. If you have a rounded face the Circle Beard is the best bet. It’s basically a combo of a goatee and a mustache.
Step 4. Consult your girlfriend, wife or your regular hookup. After all, you still want to get laid. In the end, and given my limited growth potential, I went for the Full Beard and the most popular beard style for men. It’s also the easiest to grow and with some minor grooming and oil has minimal irritation for you and your girl.